Roller Coaster

I drafted this in June in one of my down states…. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for a few months now. I can’t seem to jump off. It comes and goes for weeks at a time. I’m on cloud 9 for a few weeks then fall off and hit the bottom for a few. It takes everything out of me to seem like everything is ok. I can cry in the blink of an eye, when I do cry I have no clue what I’m crying about :-/. Am I unhappy NO, is life really that bad NO. I am actually at a good place in my life right now. I love myself and I love my life. I can’t complain about anything. So what is this thing that continuously keeps me emotionally unbalanced? Am I the only one that goes thru this? I hope not. Could I be depressed? To me depression is for people whose life is not going so well so they are sad about their life, surroundings, environment…so I thought. Let’s explore this, I googled “happy and depressed at the same time” – I guess I’m not the only one. That’s good to know.

Today 8/25 I’m on the up and up…..looking back on that day when I started this blog I had been in the slumps for a few days.

Depression… a term hard to swallow, hard to deal with, hard to comes to term with, something I’ve battled with for years. I just never connected the symptoms with the word. I can’t really remember when I started showing the signs of depression it must have been in my late teen years. I do remember clearly one day at Perkins restaurant on Fowler Avenue, Tampa, Florida standing by this dark truck my mom said to me “Dona, for me please never again think of suicide as a way out”. The conversations before those words and after those words are a blur to me. I didn’t attempt to kill myself but I must have said something to make her feel that way. That day I promised her I would never have suicidal thoughts again. I was in my 20’s at that time, married and with my first child so life was great. Why did I have those thoughts, I’m not sure. The thought crossed my mind again several years after she passed… I was driving from work on 75 headed home; I was still living in Tampa. Between the highway and the bridge there is an opening to the river. As I was driving the thought crossed my mind, I can just drive into this river and end it all. I thought about the girls that they would have a better life with their dad and my son would be just fine. Then the words of my mom came back to mind as I continued to drive.

There are days I cry, feeling really down, staying in bed not wanting to do anything. I’ll be driving to work and tears rolling down my cheeks. There are days where I’m very happy and other days I can’t pick my spirit up to save my life. I would try to shake the feeling off, reminding myself that life is good, my kids are healthy, everything is fine… still my spirit is down. I could not understand me…. after being diagnosed with ADHD I started reading more and trying to understand myself better. While reading notes from a CHADD P2P class it said, “2/3 people with ADHD also suffers from 1 or more co-existing disorders – Learning or Language Disorder, Tourettes Syndrome, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder….and DEPRESSION”. Fireworks, lights flashing and bells ringing… all the symptoms that I’ve had for years is Depression that co-exsist with me having ADHD. IT MAKES SENSE NOW. Now that I know what’s been affecting me I deal with it better. I allow myself to cry if I have to, I notice if I try to hold it in, it gets worse. I allow myself one day to stay in bed, no more than that. I realize if I allow myself more than one day the depression gets worse. To pick myself up I pop in my gospel cd, it helps every time. There is no way I can stay down for long listening to the powerful words touching my heart. It puts me in a spirit of gratitude and once you start thinking of all the great things happening in your life you can’t help but to be thankful.

Depression affects people differently, if you suspect you may be battling depression seek help…

Video on Depression

Untreated Depression

12 Signs of Depression in Men

Depression in Women

What are the signs and symptoms of depression?

Types of Depression

Adding Doses of HOPE Daily

~ Donata Joseph

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