How to Keep Her :-D

To all the women that are outraged about the blog I posted regarding How to Keep Him – this one’s for you. You know I wouldn’t leave you hanging. Men need to learn tips on how to keep us just as much as we need to learn tips on how to keep them. If you haven’t read my previous post please do -> How to Keep Him. Again this is for the married folks. If you’re single it doesn’t hurt to start learning a few tips ;-).

Fellas, I know you were cheering my blog when you were reading the tips on how to keep you. I hope you have that same enthusiasm in reading this blog. No relationship is going to run smoothly being one sided, it takes two. You put in 100% effort and she puts 100% effort. In everything there should be balance, especially in a relationship.

Let me say this from the jump, we are not as complicated as you think. We are NOT trying to control you or keep you on “lock down.” The sooner you get these misconceptions out of your mind the easier it is for us to communicate with you. Take some time to really understand us and our needs. Just as much as you love to be loved and respected we want the same from you. God created Eve from Adam’s rib – your rib cage is located on both sides of your body. I translate that as your spouse being your partner (next to you) not someone that will be in charge of the family (on top) nor someone you can walk all over (on the bottom). With that being said, here we go:

Rule #1 DO IT THE FIRST TIME

Listen, we really are not trying to control you or make your life miserable but we do need you to listen when we talk. There is a major breakdown in communication between men and women. You feel your spouse is always nagging but you fail to listen to her the first time. The reason women nag is because they have to say something more than one time. If we ask you to take out the garbage you say you will, two hours later the garbage is still there. We ask you again you say you will, then you go to bed and the garbage is still there. By the third request (the kitchen now smells like garbage) not only will you hear nagging about the garbage but you’ll hear nagging about all the other house work you didn’t do. What’s your first thought when she starts nagging; here she goes again, right? Nowhere in your mind do you think, damn, I should’ve just taken out the garbage the first time – (that’s inconceivable, it’s never your fault). Could this have been prevented, yes. Even if it’s gotten to the nagging point do you make an effort to calm her down, of course not. You just get frustrated right along with her. Even better, you decide it’s a great time to point out all her faults. NOOO, just stick to the situation at hand. If she’s nagging, apologize sincerely – give her a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Hell, it’s your fault, fix it, don’t make it worse. She might not shut up completely but she will appreciate that you fessed up to your mistake.

You like for us to cook, clean, do the laundry…. etc. If we ask for some help just do it. Women nag because we feel that’s the only way we can get you to do things.

Rule #2 ALLOW US TO VENT

Men, your girl loves to talk and there are times she just needs you to listen and show that you care. Sometimes she might have a hard day at work or having problems with a friend and just needs to vent. She doesn’t need you to take sides; she might not even care for your input, she just needs someone to talk to. It won’t work if you zone out of the conversation. Now you’re really showing her you don’t care about what she’s saying. She needs your undivided attention, nodding your head, saying it will get better. Sometimes that’s all she needs to hear – validation. At the end give her a hug or let her lay on your lap while you caress her hair or play with her feet. How hard is that to show some attention? A lot of times women argue and nag because they just don’t know how to tell you they want your attention. Honestly, it frustrates us that you don’t realize we need your attention. It sounds weird for us to say, “Babe I need some attention right now,” it kinda sounds really needy….but that’s what we want.

One thing that will help – set aside 10 minutes a day to sit down and talk about each other’s day. If anything that will allow her to unwind and get some things off her chest. Men and women vent in different ways, women talk- men go into their men cave….some actually have one and some just have a mental men cave. If you allow us to vent before you go into “hiding” we won’t bother you when you are unwinding. It benefits both of us.

Rule #3 LEARN TO BALANCE YOUR TIME

Guys it’s not all about you and what you want to do. You are no longer single; you have a wife/family. Learn to balance between family time and your time. If you give your family their time first, it will be easier to have your time. I know some of you think it’s like the old days, you bring home the bacon and the wife handles the rest. It’s no longer like that – she works a full time job just like you do. If she’s an at home mom then her job is 24/7 she never gets away from the “office.”

In this day and age, everyone has chores. If you carry your load around the house, then it won’t be hard to get away and do what you want to do. Some of you have a routine, you won’t help around the house for the whole week but when it comes to hanging out then the house is spotless. Everything that needed to be done gets done so when it’s time to go we have nothing to trip about. Why can’t you carry your share of the house work throughout the week? Don’t wait to do it all last minute – by that time we are already frustrated.

When you come home from a long days work before jumping into what you want to do at home spend some time with the family. Show them that they are important. Yes, you might be focused on that project and want to jump to it but put your family first. For example: you had a long day at work and you can’t wait to get home to play that game of Madden “unwind”. You walk thru the door and dinner is ready to be served. Everyone enjoyed a great meal…..as soon as you’re done the first thing you do is get up to go play a few games.

What’s wrong with this picture?

  1. You left your plate on the table thinking your maid is going to clean up after you
  2. You didn’t make an effort to clean up (wash the dishes) – she did do all the cooking
  3. You didn’t take time to see how your wife or kids spent their day

After looking at 1-3 you already know she will have a few words about you not cleaning or leaving your plate on the table. Avoid it – just pick up after yourself and help clean. Now if she tells you it’s ok she’ll take care of it – you just got some brownie points for trying. Still, don’t neglect to see how her day went or give her the 10 minutes to unwind. Once everyone has gotten to spend time with each other then everyone can move on to what they want to do for the evening.

Rule #4 APPRECIATE YOUR SPOUSE

You can get your spouse to do anything you want, if you learn how to appreciate her. Being in a relationship for a few years, it’s easy to take your spouse for granted. Seeing only the negative aspects in them. Take some time to appreciate the little things your wife does. If she loves to cook for you, don’t think it’s her duty so why should you say thank you. Say thank you because not only she cooks for you but she can throw down.  Listen, some men would love for their wife to cook for them and cook well at that. If she’s a great mother or step mother to your child (ren) tell her. Unfortunately not all moms are great moms. When it comes to taking care of a step child, that’s an even greater task. It’s not easy for someone to take another child and treat them as their own. If you’re lucky to have a wife like that, show her and tell her you appreciate the role she plays in your child’s life. Don’t take it for granted.

We have a lot on our plates – we cook, clean, take care of the kids, go to work, do the laundry… to top that off, you want sex and want it to be the bomb. That’s a lot of work! If you implement showing more love and gratitude for the little things, that will motivate us to want to continue doing all the above ….. all of it ;-).

Think outside the box and do things she wouldn’t expect from you. Write a note and put it in her lunch bag for work, write a short letter saying one or two things you appreciate about her, buy her flowers just because, surprise her and take her out to lunch during the week, plan a picnic on the beach one Saturday afternoon, hire a babysitter and go out on a date, plan a weekend getaway even if it’s in the same city– just being in a hotel can change both of your moods, put the kids to bed early and pamper her with a massage for an hour, plan a candle light dinner at home, have the kids/step kids make her a card saying thank you, you’re #1, take her for a walk on the beach….etc. The possibilities of spoiling your spouse are endless.

Warning: everything you do, do in moderation. You do these things all the time it loses its value and spontaneity.

In a relationship, life can pass us by with all the mundane things we do on a daily basis. We need to constantly think of ways to bring life into our marriage and learn to keep each other happy. There are enough things around us pulling our joy and energy, the last thing we need is for our spouse to be doing the same. Both of you need to be a support for each other, if not you start looking for it in other places – that’s a whole other blog in itself.

MARRIAGE IS A FULL TIME JOB!!! The same way you work hard to please your boss or impress your clients – work twice as hard to please or impress your spouse. If both of you are working at pleasing each other there is little room for discord.

A few years ago I asked my dad, “how did you and mom stay happily married for 32 years?” He said, “I did everything I could to please your mom and she did everything she could to please me.”

What will you do today to please your spouse?

~ Donata Joseph

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