How to Keep Him :-)

Ok, so you’re thinking ummmmm how is she gonna give advice when she’s been married and divorced twice. I feel ya! So we can look at it one of two ways, she has no clue and that’s why she’s divorced orrrr she’s learned a lot from her experience and can share with others. I prefer you have the positive outlook and pick the latter. If that doesn’t convince you this will, my parents were married 32 years and had the perfect marriage!!! Although I practiced NONE of what I learned when I was married, I will the next time. Yes there will be a next time…..third time’s a charm ;-).

Here we go – these tips are for married folks. I can’t help you in the dating area I have (-0) experience in that area.

HOLD UP: This blog may seem one sided, I promise you I’m working on a part 2 – read with an open mind :-).

Rule #1 – DON’T TAKE TIPS FROM A SINGLE PERSON

How can they help you with your relationship if they’ve never been married? If you’re having marital problems find a couple that has a stable loving relationship. Don’t go to your friend that’s having marital issues with your marital issues. The blind leading the blind – they can’t help. They will actually make the situation worse by adding more negative vibes to the ones you already have. She’s mad at her man, you’re mad at your man – let’s throw a big pity party and talk trash about our men. No one has a clear head or any sense to pull the positives out of either situation. By going to a friend that’s doing well in their relationship they can really listen to you and give you the best advice without their problems interfering with your problems.

Rule #2 – STOP NAG….NAG…NAG….NAGGING

Stop rolling your eyes and fix your lips. I am on your side, trust me. Ladies, as soon as you start a sentence with “I hate when you… I told you to… Why do you always… You never…” the guys’ brain automatically starts to shut down. If he started with 100% attention span as soon as those words come out he’s thinking, here she goes again = 50% attention span, if you’re lucky. So of course, we start seeing and feeling the nonchalant attitude which makes it worse. We start talking a million miles an hour at an increasing vocal tone. The louder we get his attention span drops. At this point you’re beating a dead horse. They’re standing there clearly not giving a hoot about what you’re saying. If the situation at hand is not major enough we start digging from the past. Talking about other things that got on our nerves that day, week, month or year. Are you seeing the picture? HELLO, he’s not listening. You’ll either get a blank stare, he’ll answer you back so you can shut up or he’ll start yelling cause he’s tired of your mouth = argument has escalated to the next level. If you’re the type to hold a grudge, that argument will last for days. (hold grudge = rule #4)

How can you get thru to him? One, men love when you stroke their ego and honestly it won’t kill us to do it. Two, they love to feel honor and respect from their spouse. Try the sandwich approach. It works perfectly in any situation business or personal life. I love to do this with anyone I have to confront:

Positive, Negative, and Positive = makes a great sandwich of love lol.

Here’s a scenario: Hubby went hanging out with the boys and said he would be home at a particular time. Of course, when the guys hang out none of them knows how to tell time. A watch becomes an arm accessory during “fellas night out”. So he comes home 1 – 2 hours after he said he would. Didn’t call or text just came straight home. The funny thing is he has NO clue what he’s walking into. He comes home happy and relaxed. He bends down to give you a kiss and you move your face. He looks up and asks “What’s wrong”…. (how dare he not know what’s wrong)? You take a deep breath and the words start flying out of your mouth “bleep, bleep bleep etc”. By the time you finish you don’t care to hear his excuse, you shut him up from telling his side. You go to bed mad, he goes to bed mad and the night is ruined, probably for the next few nights.

REWIND: Let’s try it with the sandwich approach. He walks through the door, bends down to give you a kiss and you kiss him back. It might not be the best kiss but hey, he got one. You ask him how was his night (not that you really care at this point) he proceeds to tell you. After he’s done you say: “Babe, I missed you while you were gone (positive), I started to get worried when I noticed you didn’t get home at the time you said you would. Next time at least call or text and let me know what’s up (negative – this is what all the argument would have been about). I’m glad you had a great time with the fellas tonight (positive).” Now, what guy won’t be wrapped around your finger if you treat him with love and respect? I know all situations are not as simple as this. There are times it will get deep but if you approach a guy in this manner the relationship will be much smoother.

Side note: Nagging pushes a guy away and you wonder why he doesn’t spend time with you???

Rule #3 PRAISE YOUR SPOUSE

I know, it sounds crazy. We are so great at picking out all their faults how about we pick out their strengths and praise them for it. It can be as small as taking out the garbage to planning a vacation trip for the family. Don’t wait for him to do something big before you thank him – thank him for the little things. Watch your tone when you thank him also, “it’s about time you took out the garbage – THANK YOU”. Uhhhh NO – that’s not the thank you he’ll appreciate. “Babe, thanks for taking out the trash, I appreciate you” sounds much better. Am I telling you to thank him every day for taking out the trash – no. I am saying as quick as you can find a reason to put him down be twice as quick to find a reason to lift him up. No one wants to be in a relationship where nothing they do satisfies their spouse. No matter how hard they try you still don’t see their efforts. Guess what – after a while they’ll stop trying, then it’s too late.

Rule #4 NEVER GO TO SLEEP MAD

No argument is worth going to sleep mad. You might not have all the issues ironed out the same day, choose to continue the discussion the next day. It’s actually better to let some time pass before resolving the situation. This will allow both of you to calm down. God forbid they don’t wake up the next morning, I guarantee you whatever you were mad about means nothing because they are no longer there. Always end your night on a positive note.

Learn to work with your spouse not against them. At the end of the day, you’re in that relationship because at some point you loved them. That doesn’t have to stop. We let life get in our way sometimes and forget that a relationship is a full time job. The same way you worked hard to get them and keep them happy when you were dating is the same way you need to continue to work to keep them happy. It doesn’t stop after you get married. You just have to make a more conscious effort to maintain it. A happy marriage is such a beautiful thing and unfortunately there are not too many examples out there.

If you are annoyed with your spouse right now here is a homework assignment for you – take a piece of paper and pen, write everything you love about your spouse -all the positive aspects of the person (nothing negative). Pick one off the list and write a simple note saying thank you for one item from the list… ex. thank you for being a great father to our kids/stepkids or thank you for being a hard worker and providing for the family (I know that’s his job to, some men don’t do it so appreciate yours for doing it). Take that note and put it on his pillow to read before he goes to sleep. He’ll probably think there’s a catch to it lol. You’ve just planted a seed of thankfulness that should put a smile on both of your faces. Be thankful more often and see little changes start to happen.

Be the positive energy you want to receive from him…..more tips to come 🙂

~ Donata Joseph

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2 responses to this post.

  1. […] we need to learn tips on how to keep them. If you haven’t read my previous post please do -> How to Keep Him. Again this is for the married folks. If you’re single it doesn’t hurt to start learning a few […]

    Reply

  2. […] we need to learn tips on how to keep them. If you haven’t read my previous post please do -> How to Keep Him. Again this is for the married folks. If you’re single it doesn’t hurt to start learning a few […]

    Reply

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